Richard: You and Jessie are making Mary Claire’s personality just like yours right now 

Me: Like brainwashing her? 

(Mary Claire looking back and forth chewing food) 

Richard: I’m not saying you’re brainwashing her or something, but it’s occurring naturally

Jessie: What are you talking about? 

Me: He’s all trying to say it’s Invasion of the Bodysnatchers in here, and we’re like the alien pods changing everyones personalities like ours. That’s a pretty sinister accusation 

Isaac: (points fork at me) You are always so sarcastic

Me: Just being real with you right now 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CUttwqxFEk

“…and my therapist says, we’ve evolved through a series of accidents.” 

(watching We Bought a Zoo) 

Anna: “Kangaroo!! I shot one of those… ha-ha-ha-ha!” (maniacal laughter + head bobbing) 

Me: “Who are you?” 

(picking up the kids from school, waving a pina colada lollipop at all pedestrians) 

“Get out of the way whores!” 

Gracie: “Sara NO! Those kids are from the special ed class”  

Me: “Isaac you’re disgusting”

RichardIsaac: “You’re irritating”

Me: “You’re repulsive”

RichardIsaac: “You’re obnoxious”

Me: “You’re revolting”

RichardIsaac: “Well you’re belligerent!”

Me: “…Fine, you win.” 

I feel like it means something that I have two blogs—a private, messy one that no one is allowed to read, and this mostly sterile one where I sometimes write short notes of interest, random sketches, or dialogues from my family members at dinner that sometimes verge on embarrassing. 

There is probably some psychological significance here.  

Anna: ISAAC! Please don’t start any drama

(scolding Richard Isaac for stealing Jessie’s spork)

Richard Isaac: This chicken tastes like crabmeat

Me: You always describe your food as something bizarrely unrelated.

Richard Isaac: Noo. Have you ever considered that I taste stuff different?

Me: No you don’t.

Richard Isaac: Have you ever heard of DNA?!  

Richard Isaac: Whoa! My first fork was under my plate the entire time!
Me: How did you eat an entire meal without noticing that?

Richard Isaac: (blank expression, spears his food with second fork) 

Me: Your plate had to be hovering almost an inch off the table.

Me: did you chew that?

Richard Isaac: What? (gulps guiltily) yeah

Me: (to Anna and my parents, the jury) He just inhaled that entire chicken.

Me: I’m hungry, but then I look up and see Isaac…desiccating his food over there like a freaking wildebeest. Suddenly I feel sick 
Anna: Yeah don’t eat the chicken in that platter, have the other kind
Mom: What’s wrong with the other chicken?
Me: (points) That one had a disease 
 Jessie: (mid-bite) WHAT?! 

Me: not literally..probably 
Jessie: MOM?!  

Me: Where’s Gracie?

Anna: Probably gallivanting with her friends.

(Anna and mom exchange a look)

Me: What does that even mean?  

Anna: She’s just running around with her friends all the time.

Mom: She needs to get a J-O-B

Me (not understanding the need to spell things since everyone at the table is literate)

Dad: Two jobs

Mom: Then she can’t go gallivanting because she’ll be too busy

Me: I don’t see what’s wrong with gallivanting—plus, she’s going to get a job and gallivant even more. I think the problem here is that no one at this table has a life.

Anna: I have a life!
Me: No you don’t. I don’t have a life either. I don’t gallivant at all these days. 

(Anna is somewhat offended)

Dad: When are you getting a job?

Mom: Sara, clear the table 

Scene: RichardIsaac and Jessie Foster are in heated argument about who deserves their shared cellphone. I’m sitting in the recliner really enjoying myself: 

Me: Okay, let’s just decide right now which one of you deserves exclusive rights to the phone. I’ll be the judge.

Jessie: NO!!

Me: Do you think I should decide, Richard?

RichardIsaac: Okay

Jessie: Your opinion doesn’t even matter! 

Me: Tell me all the reasons you think Jessie is undeserving of the phone, Richard

RichardIsaac: 1. She calls her friends all day long and I don’t so I save lots of money. 2, she takes all these pictures.

 Jessie: Isaac you took a picture of yourself that one time!

 RichardIsaac: Yeah! …Well that time I was just bored.

 Me: Look, I don’t think that picture taking is relevant to the issue at hand, it doesn’t cost anything… One last question, Richard, would you describe Jessie’s use of the phone as “silly”?

[Jessie makes strangled noise] 

RichardIsaac: Yes I would. 

(Jessie storms out)

Me: HEY JESSIE! I think the issue here is that Isaac uses the phone for his NEEDS whereas you use it for your WANTS! (direct quotation of Isaac’s earlier statement)

Jessie: SHUT UP SARA! You don’t even know anything!!!

Me: Well, that was just hurtful. I think I know some things.

* * * * *

(15 minutes later) RichardIsaac and I are watching The Office  

Me: Hey, take the cookies out of the oven. Let’s eat them.

RichardIsaac: Well, I don’t know if Gracie or somebody approves of us taking those cookies out.

Me: Hmm, we have a problem. 

* * * 

RichardIsaac scarfs down cookie, amid chewing “Oh man, I should have had milk with this.”

Me: You should have another one. 

RichardIsaac: (looks really thoughtful) Okay good idea. 

“Oh, what is abroad in the marsh and the terminal sea? 

Somehow my soul seems suddenly free 

From the weighing of fate and the sad discussion of sin 

By the length and the breadth and the sweep of the 

marshes of Glynn.” 

— Sidney Lanier